Paul is dead. Paul is dead. Paul is dead.

Remember when parents everywhere lost their shit because they thought their kids' Beatles album was speaking to them when played backwards?

Apparently, we were WAY off base, seeing as how Paul is the last one left........what?? What do you mean Ringo is still alive? 

Unless you believe James Richards.

Mr. Richards tells his story of knocking himself unconcious, to wake up in a parallel universe, being convalesced by a man named Jonas, who had in his possession an unreleased (in our dimension) Beatles TAPE. He explains that the Beatles never broke up, were all alive and well, and still touring.

Abbey Road is thier bitch.

Mr. Richards then went back through the magic portal to our dimension, having pilfered the tape from Jonas, and put all the songs on the internet for everyone to enjoy.

F.F.S.

I'm a huge fan of Fringe, which more or less is dealing with the "alternate dimensions" storyline. But, I mean....c'mon.

FFS, if these people had a DIMENSIONAL PORTAL, why would they still be using CASSETTE TAPES.

I'm sure I could poke another few holes in his theory, but I just can't come up with the energy to put into this nutjob.

I came across this gem a week or so ago......

 

Barneys of New York isn't known for thier ability to pander themselves to middle class America, but some would argue that the products Barneys pimps are of high enough quality and fashion to demand the exorbitant prices.

And then there's this......

Admittedly, I know absolutely ZERO about fashion, but there is a gentleman named Maison Martin Margiela, a Belgian designer who is so fashionable, his website looks like DOS, even while running a High Def FLASH SLIDESHOW RIGHT ON IT. 

So, imagine my surprise, when this "designer" creates these sneakers for sale.

For the low price of $525 DOLLARS, you too can just look like you have partaken in a home improvement task, without doing any of the work. Oh, and they're not available until JUNE.

Seriously, I have shoes that look like this after doing crafts with my children......except mine have glitter on them too. Find me a Payless, give me an hour, and I can make you 4 or 5 pairs for less than 50 bucks.

If you like these shoes, or would buy them, FFS, get your head out of your ass.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.....

Especially when that woman is an ex-girlfriend that you decide to trust with sharp objects and a stock of nitrous oxide.

See, this guy, Marek Olszewski, from the Polish city of Wroclaw, decided to ask for help from his ex-girlfriend whom he split with days earlier.

Mr. Olszewski had a toothache. His ex-girlfriend was a dentist.

Of course, she offered to help out this great guy who just made her spend the last 2 or 3 days in a dark closet, hugging her knees, listening to Sinead O'Connor, running her local corner store out of Hagen-Dazs, defacing every picture of them as a couple, and basically ugly crying as much as humanly possible.

Mr. Olszewski awoke missing his teeth. EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. ONE.

F.F.S.

The woman in question, Anna Mackowiak, had this to say about it:

"I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," Mackowiak is quoted as saying. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a bastard' and decided to take all his teeth out."

...........................................................................................*cough*

Congrats! Match.com has a 99% match for you!

A few weeks ago, legendary basketball coach Pat Summitt retired.

Do you know LEGENDARY coach Pat Summitt?

SHE led the Tennessee Lady Volunteers to eight national championships, second only to UCLA's coach John Wooden, and she won a total of 1,071 career games, the most of ANY NCAA basketball coach ever, REGARDLESS OF GENDER. Oh, by the way, she's in the Hall of Fame. Not just the Women's Hall of Fame, but right there with the boys' Hall of Famers too.

Doug Benc/Getty Images

So, she's pretty awesome.

She retired at age 59 because of early onset dementia.

I admit, I didn't pay much attention to women's college basketball, but I did hear her name a number of times growing up and in my adult life. 

She is always going to be remembered for her basketball coaching ability. Many people, myself included, don't know another, very important side of the coach.

Yahoo Sports' Eric Adelson wrote:

"Every player who has completed her eligibility either has earned a degree or is on schedule to earn a degree. Think about that."

Not only did Coach Summitt win championships year after year, she recognized that her girls didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of playing after college, and pushed them to use all 4 years and graduate.

I don't say that they had a snowball's chance because they suck, I say it because the marketing and support behind women's professional sports is non-existent. Because of that, Coach Summitt pushed her kids to earn their degrees and pushed their academics. This woman has a 100% graduation rate on her athletes. That is UNHEARD of. 

I make a lot of sexist jokes, but I can recognize greatness. FFS, this woman is AWESOME. I wish my girls have teachers, mentors, and coaches as great as Coach Summitt.

I stumbled across this article today, about how the 2012 London Olympics organizers asked KEITH FREAKING MOON to perform at the closing ceremonies.

For those that don't know who Keith Moon was, let's do a quick recap:

• Original drummer for The Who
• One of the gold standards against which all drummers are compared
• The Muppet character "Animal" is loosely based on Moon.......really, that's how awesome Moon was.
• One of the gold standards against which all destructive rock star behavior is compared.
• Died after overdosing on horse tranquilizers he was taking to curb his alcohol withdrawal.

You'd drink too, if you were chained to your drums.

You read that right. To curb his withdrawal from alcohol, he thought it would be good to take 32 HORSE TRANQUILIZERS, because fuck aspirin, that's why.

Anyways, apparently the people that are organizing the Olympics, the worldwide event that happens every 4 years and is hotly contested for the honor of hosting, thought that Moon was alive and well. They wanted the recluse to join up with the rest of The Who for a gig at the closing ceremony. Finally, Moon's agent let them off the hook.

And I thought, what a bunch of dumbasses. Until I remembered something......

Tupac Shakur, dead for 16 years, performed at the Coachella music festival in 2012 via crazy accurate and awesome hologram.

So, will we see Moon at this years' Olympics? It's a possibility now. Then I thought about the implications of this technology.

It would re-open new genres of artists/actors/people to our youth that may have been lost over the years. Ask your kids if they know who the Beatles are. If not, maybe they can catch a reunion tour. Want to see Marilyn Monroe in a new film? Possible. (I know Forrest Gump did this with JFK, but now they can exist outside of CGI)

On the other hand.....this can be used by film/music companies to hold artists to their contractual obligations. Think about it...let's say for the sake of argument that tomorrow, Justin Bieber gets hit by his tour bus, dismembering him across several states.

JB was only halfway through his contract of releasing 4 albums for his label. 

His label sues his estate, uses his "likeness" in holographic form to then do a "One (Last) Time" tour, recouping much of the lost revenue from the unperformed portion of the contract....

Double edged sword my friends......

 

 

As I was wading across my RSS feed this week, I saw this story a few times.....it's.........it's just......here, read it. I'll wait.

Please...by all means, read the full article here. I'll wait. 

*deep breath*

It's actually a pretty horrible story about a friend who has sex with another friend while in this "gravy-wrestling model's" house.

But, she caught 2 of her friends having sex with each other, got pretty upset, shouted at them, only to be hit in the face with the MONKEYWRENCH that was on the floor next to the pair in mid-coitus.

monkeywrench.........on the floor......FFS.

I mean, it's alright if the floor is made of pegboard, and the tool is properly outlined, but I doubt that. 

And the Daily Mail editors deserve a big FFS on this one too. While the title makes you read, the pictures are deceiving. In the picture above you get the model portion of the title, while the "gravy wrestler" portion garners a small paragraph tucked into the middle of the story, accompanied by this picture:

GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! 

FFS, Daily Mail, way to make it seem like gravy wrestling, having monkeywrenches laying around the floor of your house, and getting pummelled by brothers of friends is all in a English week for you fine chaps.

Ok, this really doesn't have anything to do with parenting, or being a dad, but it is still darkly hilarious.

My wife found a story this evening about 30 women in Sacramento that got involved in a street fight that was apparently organized via Facebook regarding one woman's "suggestive post" to another woman's boyfriend.

Re-read that sentence. 

We are now using the networking power of social media to organize GANG FIGHTS.

Pic from scene uploaded via Instagram

Alright. So, without reading any further than the sentence describing the story I put above, here's MY interpretation of what happened.

Girlfriend: "What did that bitch just say? She hopes my man has a 'good night'? Awwwwww hell nawwww"

*clicks Create Event*

Friend of Girlfriend opens Facebook to find she's been invited to "Beat this Bitch Ass" Event scheduled for tomorrow night. She excitedly accepts and shares to her wall. More friends follow suit. 

Really....read the article, then watch the news story about it. These chicks were HARDCORE. One of them took a candle from a MEMORIAL (read: a shrine to dead people), broke it, and then used it as a weapon.

Yes. She took a Jesus candle, broke it on the street, and prepared to use her Jesus shank on some people.

The two people that had injuries sustained them with BASEBALL BATS. 

What the hell goes on in Sacramento that a mob of 30 crazy women with baseball bats and broken glass doesn't prompt some kind of hysteria?

Watch the video, the woman that gives the account to the reporter works at the convienience store, and claims many of them "came in to buy drinks"...........

Fresca: more refreshing than fracturing that bitch's skull.

Stay classy, Sacramento. 

FFS is my new favorite acronym. The first word is For and the last word is Sake. You can figure out the rest. 

Today, I had a FFS moment.

I got to meet our neighbor, Justin, FINALLY!

He and his wife are out tending their yards FAITHFULLY every Saturday, and more if need be. Their yards look amazing.

He came over to tell me his wife collected a "can full" of rocks, and a bottle of Visine from their backyard. He said, understandably, that they "work their asses off" keeping their yards nice, and he would like me to please ask my kids to stop. He was "sorry to meet me under these circumstances" and didn't want to be "that dick neighbor", and politely asked me to tell my kids to knock it the fuck off.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Won't happen again, sir. Goodbye, sir, nice to finally meet you.

**shuts front door**

"WHAT IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU LITTLE CRETINS DOING THROWING ROCKS OVER THE WALL!?! BRODY, GET YOUR ASS INSIDE (he was outside) AND GET DRESSED! DO NOT GO OUTSIDE WITHOUT CLOTHES ON, THIS ISN'T A DAMN NUDIST COLONY. AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GUYS GET VISINE FROM WHEREVER IT WAS PUT UP AWAY FROM YOU, AND THEN PROCEED TO THROW IT OVER THE DAMN WALL. FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?"

And, of course, working man Mr. Justin comes over when I'm into full on day 2.5 of slobiness, my look from the HauteHobo collection.....

"Kids! Answer the door! It's probably those damn HOA fuckers again. Tell them to get bent."

Ugh. Making friends in Gilbert! Gotta love it. Happy Friday all!

 

I haven't posted for a while, apparently due to a bout with depression.

My docs said it's common for many heart patients to go through depression when they realize they may not be able to do some of the things they used to do. Instead of work, I was zoning out on the computer and Xbox. Instead of not stressing, I was wanting to drink all the time, and becoming an asshole again (allegedly). 

So my wife gave me the nicest, kindest boot up my ass that she could muster, and told me to snap the fuck out of it.

And here is my attempt.

My mistresses will still see me on a regular basis, for without the computer, I could not interact with my wife's clients, impart my razor wit and raucous humor on Facebook, and post this very blog which nobody reads, except for people that want to see Adam Levine naked, apparently.

My Xbox, my baby, my fickle lover that teases me with that glowing ring of hers, and the hours of enjoyment she provides on a daily (yes, daily ladies, beat that) basis. I will never give her up, never let her down, never run around and.....you know the rest.

My wife works hard at running the business, and even takes care of a lot of the stuff from home as well. She is, unfortunately, gone from home a lot, so the computer is the closest thing to adult interaction I get all day.

But, it did get a little out of control, and she snapped me back into my awesome, radiant, glowing personality.

So, I'm sorry to anyone that was waiting for a new post (*snicker*). As some sort of catharsis, I'm thinking about writing ANOTHER blog full of rants, opinions, and more adult-centric conversation that will hopefully spark some kind of intelligent debate to satiate my desire for adult interaction. I'll post more on that as I work up to it.

But in the meantime, I'll tip my Friday ration of adult beverages to my readers, and my NEW FANS ON FACEBOOK!! Woooohooo!! Welcome and welcome back.

Here's to being Sooper.

So this morning, I've seen TWO stories about star's cell phones getting hacked and the dirty pics ending up online.

Of course, this whole recent "cell phone dirty nudie pics" fad started with Scarlett Johansen's phone getting hacked:

and now there's Olivia Munn:

and Christina Hendricks:

(Some of the pics from these ladies were a lot worse, and not safe for work)

My question is: WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU KEEP THESE ON YOUR PHONE?!!?

I'm not complaining that these made the light of day, by any means. I think it's awesome that these women are proud enough of their bodies to show them to every breathing man with a huge libido and equally large imaginations. 

With the technology employed in todays smartphones, they're basically carrying around a computer in thier purses. The REAL question is: Why can't these hackers hit their home computers and find the cache of REALLY juicy stuff?!??!

Half of me says that this is great publicity on thier part, it keeps their names relevant. However, ScarJo denied, Munn denied, Hendricks said the really naughty one wasn't her, but the rest are. ScarJo later admitted, Munn is still denying, even though THAT IS HER FACE AND HER BODY. Men have seen it before in Maxim and other fanboy publications, just not to the extent that the pics go.

The other half of me says "If I ever had to deal with this with my daughter, she would be sent back to the stone ages of technology. She would have to beat rocks and sticks together to communicate with the outside world, if she was ever allowed out of the house again."

I really don't know how to combat this with my child, other than to not give her a phone, but what's going to be the trend when she's old enough to get one for herself?

To the stars that want to keep taking pics on thier cell phones to get "hacked": Are you too good to make a sex tape that gets "leaked" like everyone else?!?